Hi, my name is Monica and I am still in recovery from being a people-pleaser. Lately, I’ve been feeling like my people-pleasing tendencies are coming back to the surface.

At first, I got a little annoyed with myself. I thought, “Why is this coming back up? I thought I healed all this stuff!” 

Next, I wanted to dig in and figure out why my people-pleasing tendencies were coming around again – so I asked myself the following questions:

  • What have I been doing to take care of myself? 
  • How have I been putting myself first? Have I been putting myself first?
  • Are there certain people in my life that I have been trying to please or has it been everyone?
  • Have I started looking outside of myself for validation, and praise? 
  • Have I been feeling resentment towards myself or others?
  • Have I been apologizing or saying sorry – even when I did nothing wrong?
  • Have I been holding back how I feel because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings?

Once I took the time to answer these questions, I was able to see how and where in my life I have started to slip back into people-pleasing mode. Not prioritizing myself and my needs – was my biggest realization. 

Life has been busy with many celebrations (graduations, weddings) – which have been fun and great – but it has taken me out of my routine. I love routine and I am great at creating it when I am at home. However, when I am traveling it becomes challenging.

A huge part of my routine includes self-careWhen my routine gets out of whack, my self-care decreases – which then causes me to feel uncomfortable – if I am not aware of this happening – I can start to take care of others, instead of myself, to try and feel less comfortable. Then the next thing you know I can fall back into people-pleasing mode. 

Instead of beating myself about it, I quickly reminded myself that healing is not linear. I liken it to the peaks and valleys of mountains – we can be traveling up or down the peaks, up or down the valleys, or we can get stuck along the way. There is not a perfectly paved path to follow.

Are you also a recovering people pleaser? Or do you have people-pleasing tendencies? 

You are not alone. Remind yourself healing is not linear. I have found that there can be layers to healing

Instead of thinking that once I heal something it “shouldn’t” come up again, I have shifted to knowing that another layer of healing may come up at a later date and that is okay. It means that I am ready to heal at a deeper level and that is a good thing. 

Fortunately, by asking myself the questions above I was able to become aware of how I started slipping into the people-pleasing valley and then I could move into healing and shifting my people-pleasing tendencies to a deeper level. 

Have patience with all things. But, first of all with yourself.”
— Francis de Sales