I’ve hit another level of healing. Let me explain. Dave and I were invited to a friends house for dinner the other night. There were two other couples and their children, ages 2, 5 and 7. It was great and we had a lot of fun, but as we were driving home Dave and I had an interesting conversation that went something like this:
Me: I had a really good time tonight, but am feeling something strange but good.
Dave: You know, I am feeling something too, but can’t describe it.
Me: I’m not sure how to verbalize the strangeness, but I’m going to try. It has to do with the kids that were present. I didn’t feel “uncomfortable” about us being there without kids of our own. It feels strange to say that out loud. Is that okay?
Dave: Yes, I think that is what I was feeling too. It was fun to have them there, but I didn’t find myself getting bothered or sad about kids being around.
It felt like a “big” deal that Dave and I came to this realization together. At that moment, I realized that it was also another level of healing for Dave and me as a couple. It felt special that we were connecting on a deeper level in regard to our childlessness.
Looking back, I remember wondering “will my thoughts ever ‘not be’ consumed by my desire for a child?” Back then, I was unaware that I was stuck in my struggle. I was just going through the motions of my life, only concerned with how my actions affected my chances of getting pregnant.
It wasn’t until I became aware that I had been living my life in struggle that my healing truly began. My initial awareness was when I realized that I got really good at only hearing what I wanted to hear. Actually, Dave helped me realize this, he reminded me of all the times he talked to me about not wanting to pursue adoption. Well, I never really listened during those conversations because I didn’t want to hear anything that was not in line with my goal of having a child. Even though it was painful to finally hear these words, it was also a moment of intense clarity that brought me back to reality, to the present moment. I got a huge dose of awareness that day that continued to unfold.
Some other examples of my increased awareness included: when a woman asked me at a coffee shop, “how do you handle being around kids?” and I realized that it had been some time since I had been triggered being around them. Yet another example was the first time I realized I had no idea when my period was supposed to start. I felt like that was a big one, after years of living in two-week increments.
If it was not for Dave being brave and bringing me back to reality, I don’t know how long I would’ve stayed stuck. It makes me think of the saying, “ignorance is bliss.” Sure it can be, for a little while, but not when it becomes your motto for life. I believe awareness and healing go hand in hand.
How about you? What awarenesses have you experienced in your life? If any of my examples of awareness helped you realize you might be stuck, I encourage you to reach out to your partner, your closest friend or family member and ask them, “Do you see me as being unaware and stuck in a struggle?” Remember to be open and listen to their response. A lot of times those closest to us are unsure of how to approach us.
I believe connecting and sharing our struggles and successes can also be healing. I would love to hear of any awarenesses you’ve had or maybe you would like to talk about any struggles you may be experiencing.
I found the perfect quote to share by Nathaniel Branden, “The first step towards change is awareness, the second is acceptance.” Next time I can share how I found acceptance on my journey.